February 2012
4 posts
You Should Eat a Gas Station Burrito
Gas station burrito is where you get a burrito at a restaurant, but that restaurant is actually in a gas station, called Grampy’s Gas, right across from the hospital. It’s called Villa Mexico, which I’m fairly certain means Mexico Town. I tried gas station burrito on the recommendation of a friend, and it was very tasty. It’s one of those burritos where they grill it after it’s rolled,...
You should roll that shit uphill, like Sisyphus.
January 2012
2 posts
Heard the state of our union was strong. Now I dont have to vote no more. Time to drink.
December 2011
7 posts
Apparently, the tomahawk-chopping Seminoles beat the Fightin’ Irish in the battle of the racist stereotypes last night. #collegefootball
Your TODAY IN RAGNAROK UPDATE
areasofmyexpertise:
For 12/25/2011:
“Last. Christmas. Ever.”
Merry XMAS to all, and to all a good GLOBAL SUPERPOCALYPSE
That is all.
At least I’ll be facing it in a new sweater.
you should iron your pants for your family gatherings guys. your moms will be so proud of you.
Dear Salvation Army Bell Ringer, perhaps you shouldn’t curse so much?
RT @alyankovic: Weird Al Eats It #PredictYourOwnDeathHeadline
The “Do Not Disturb” sign is in the shape of a sock, for hanging on the doorknob.
Craigslist wins. →
November 2011
3 posts
“And that’s sort of where it all fell apart, or where Taylor did anyway. Using...”
– Julie Klausner, who is phenomenal, despite the fact that I have no knowledge of the Housewives she describes.
October 2011
5 posts
RT @SkeevythePuppet: .@scharpling If the puppet rejects your proposal, do I live? RT if you want me to live.
I just wish the Tea Partiers had chosen the other available alternative - The Boston Massacrees.
Lady, you’re tweezing your upper lip while driving, and I think you should have more regard for my safety.
6 tags
September 2011
4 posts
New apartment. Too much nudity. Finding a curtain rod has never been more important.
August 2011
12 posts
“Lou Reed’s forthcoming Metallica collaboration is ‘the best thing I...”
– I haven’t heard it, but I’m going to go ahead and disagree.
Well, pack your flashlights back up. This lady storm was a bust.
I’m going to start a Color Me Badd cover band. The name, of course, is Cover Me Badd.
Remember how there was once a whole genre of music called “grunge?”
If I could pick a superpower right now, it might be successfully returning merchandise.
“Oasis singer Liam Gallagher says he is suing his estranged brother and former...”
– NY Times - thank you for reminding me that these two rumbustious motherfuckers are still doing their thing.
1 tag
8 tags
“For the Farrelly Bros. to say how well we did… it gives me chills”
– JWoww, on her cameo in the Three Stooges movie. Five years from now, when the Situation is receiving his MTV Movie Award for his portrayal of Michael Corleone in the Godfather remake, I will know who to blame.
Twitter told me we had reached a debt limit deal, and I didn’t feel any better about the whole thing.
July 2011
2 posts
I am also tired of the word “douchebag” but let’s not put too much thought into it. http://t.co/SzhdtGq
June 2011
4 posts
Kenyan Wins Marathon Despite Running 2K Extra
My best time is 2:18, but [Sunday] I ran more than two kilometres off… I did two loops and was supposed to do only one, and that gives me my poor time, and demoralized me,” Samoei recalled afterwards.
Well that just makes me want to cry.
“It seems strange to me that, after everything that has happened in my life, Nowitzki is still playing basketball. My one season in pro sports left a deep mark on me—months after quitting I couldn’t touch a ball. The feeling of being constantly and objectively measured still hasn’t left me. Neither has the sinking feeling you get in sports’ lower rungs. Every time you lose,...
I keep telling everyone that I want a windowed tower at the top of my house. I envision just a small one, Just a small one to put a bed in, so i can wake up to sunlight and the breeze. Everyone tell’s me this is impractical. Since I do not own a house, this is true. But sometimes, when I can’t wake up in the morning, I think about how much that glass tower might facilitate things for...
RT @paulscheer: Shaq is retiring which means one thing. Kazaam sequel!
May 2011
5 posts
Pink cupcake with the plastic high-heel shoe decorating the frosting, I am still going to eat you.
Girl at the brunch spot, who paid a half hour ago but is still seated, I am standing behind you, staring angrily at the back of your head.
One legged man at the pool, I surreptitiously watch you hop to the water daily, and root for you not to fall. Glad you make it every time!
Sign of spring: Neighbors roasting a pig in the backyard.
April 2011
12 posts
Are Will and Kate going to try some of that pizza that looks like their faces, for dinner?? I hope so!
You should take your easter egg today. I found mine on the front steps, and then I hid it under my pillow.